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[Page 53]
as a self contained, better informed, home seeking man.
If ever I'm in trouble, need, 'tis to you I'll turn the first. I want you for my friend, my comrade, one to whom I can appeal in any necessity. I want you to come here again and again, I want your Cousinly affection, I want your comforting attentions but - more than all else I want your peace of mind. Oh, the idea of paining anything is horrible, and to think of causing you a moment misery makes me sick with remorse. Laddie, can you ever forgive this poor, weak, miserable Marie? I do so want to be tender and kind and in my endeavour I do but cause you heart ache. Everything save my actual love I'd give you, but without that actual love I would not dare to share my life. You understand, I know; judge leniently, Cousin o' mine. And then, you know, it is so difficult to foresee. Although I have little cause I still hope - and whilst I hope I most surely wait. Oh, Cousin, judge me leniently and keep this, my secret, for me safely.
I am happy, comfortable, content as far as possible, but what of you. Dear Harry, if you feel half the agony which was mine when first I realised my heart was aflame may the power that be have pity on you. Oh, I am so sorry, so sorry to have caused you the pain of it. Though the joy of it is sweet enough, I know, for all who truly love.