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[Page 53]
SIMKIN.
[in margin] World Feb. 23 1790.
WHAT this Writer can do as a Reporter --- even in Verse accurate --- has been proved by a repetition of three years; and, in truth, it may be reckoned amongst his best excellencies, that he has kept the TRIAL alive.
SIMKIN to SIMON.
IF my Letter should give you less pleasure and sport
Than ANSTRUTHER last Tuesday afforded the COURT,
I expect you will take up your pen, to implore,
That on subjects like these I will write you no more:
But among all the virtues by Poets possess'd,
FIDELITY, being the rarest, is best.
I therefore shall strictly adhere to my plan,
And give you the words of this marvellous man,
With all the exactness I possibly can:
"You remember, my Luds, when the Parliment clos'd,
"I told you the task which my Master impos'd;
"Some years have elaps'd since it fell to my lot,
"(I remind you thereof, as you may have forgot)
"To sum up what proof we were able to bring,
"As to HASTINGS'S conduct to RAJAH CHYTE SING:
"I prov'd to your Ludships, by arguments strong,
"That HASTINGS was always externally wrong;
"And now 'tis a duty incumbent to add,
"That his conduct was also internally bad;
"For whether we view him without or within,
"No object occurs, but the PICTURE of Sin."
The Hero went on with this manner of pleading,
Whilst some were his former antithesis reading;
They ask'd, if the man whom he thus reprehended,
Were the same whom he formerly prais'd and defended?
And concluded at last, that 'twas only the name
Which misled them to fancy the person the same:
They suppose th' Encomiast was ANSTRUTHER'S Brother,
Or instead of this HASTINGS, it must be another;
But whilst their identity was in debate,
PLUMBOSO announc'd, he was GOING to state;
Then to stating he went, tho' I cannot tell what,
Or if ever I knew, I remember it not;
It was something of HASTINGS'S having destroyed
Six Revenue Councils, and having employ'd
Black Agents, who follow'd his orders and rules,
When they brought into use a COMMITTEE of Tools.
The Committee of Tools, he was free to admit,
For the requisite use, might be proper and fit;
But because they were qualify'd well for the post,
They of all people should be avoided the most.
He said, that when HASTINGS had fully abolish'd
All check and controul, by thus having demolish'd
The Revenue Councils, he fear'd no detection,
But gave to the SINGS an extensive Collection.
Now my Hero, with gravity solemn, describes
The places and times of receiving the bribes;
And tho' HASTINGS carry'd the total amount
Of the sums he receiv'd to the PUBLIC ACCOUNT,
Yet ANSTRUTHER thinks that he meant to have kept it,
Why else, in God's name, did he ever accept it?
Of this, he declar'd he had perfect conviction,
From his Minutes containing a flat contradiction.
"My LUDS, I will shew 'tis extremely absurd
"To CREDIT A MAN THAT DEPARTS from his WORD;
" 'Tis evidence strong of a very bad mind."
Here their LORDSHIPS to each other laughingly said-
The blow which the ORATOR gave his own head,
Had fractur'd his skull if it had not been LEAD:
Whilst the Ladies, all tenderness, star'd, I suppose,
Expecting to see the blood run from his nose.
To demonstrate his great architectural sense
And rhetorical skill, he declar'd, the Defence
Of HASTINGS was built of materials unsound,
The foundation of which he would pull to the ground.
Having shewn himself thus an expert Rhetorician,
He prov'd himself next a most able Logician-
"My LUDS, to your LUDSHIPS I'm GOING to state-
"But first I must beg you'll attend to the date-
"Jan'ary the twenty'th, the year Eighty-two,
"This Letter was written, which cannot be true;
"The ship sail'd in March, for which reason I say,
" 'Twas only apparently written that day."
To prove himself very precise and exact,
In quotation, as well as in statement of fact,
He just told the LORDS, that he meant to extract
A passage from HASTINGS'S Letter; and next,
He gave his own Comment instead of the TEXT:
"My LUDS, we have no direct proof to adduce,
"That the Money was taken for HASTINGS'S use;
"But yet, tho' the Evidence is not direct,
"Constructive may serve to supply the defect:
"On proof by Construction did DONELLAN die,
"Then in HASTINGS'S case let Construction apply.
"My LUDS, to your LUDSHIPS I'm GOING to state,
"That folk without doors are with triumph elate,
"Because DEBY SING was, on trial, acquitted
"Of the cruelties EDMUND suppos'd he committed;
"But, my LUDS, notwithstanding that BURKE'S Allegation
"Was made, I admit, without proper foundation;
"And tho' DEBY SING was but slightly to blame,
"Yet HASTINGS'S guilt is precisely the same;
"For HASTINGS the Government held at the time,
"Responsible, therefore, for every crime:
"Whencever crime rises, or wherever crimes fall,
"All the guilt must be his - -he shou'd answer for all."
In this manner PLUMBOSO expended three hours,
And astonish'd the Court by the length of his powers;
But still all his stating, relating, and showing,
Left me and most others extremely unknowing;
Nor could we find out, in the mass of confusion,
One clear allegation, one proof, or conclusion:
And, as for my own part, with shame I confess,
The more I attend I remember the less.
By the Judges, no doubt, he was well understood;
But to me he appeared like a Fox in a Wood,
Where hounds, unexperienc'd, may wander about
Whole days, without driving the animal out.
At least twenty times when the Hero repeated-
"My LUDS, I have shewn --I have prov'd -- I have stated,"
I ask'd the By-standers to tell what was shown,
But their knowledge appear'd to be less than my own;
If, therefore, my writing's perplex'd and obscure,
'Tis an evil that does not admit of a cure.
In the morning, the HALL was but thinly attended,
And deserted almost e'er the story was ended:
Tho' HASTINGS, as usual, was often abus'd,
'Twas so heavily done, that we were not amus'd;
Of course, I resolv'd on postponing my letter,
In hope the next day might produce something better;
But in this expectation again I was wrong,
We had only the CLERK'S monotonical Song.
Before I quite finish this Letter, I'll mention
The reason of JOSEPH'S and EDMUND'S dissention-
The latter maintains, it were safest and best,
That the conscience of men shou'd be put to the test;
Whilst the former, a man of ideas enlarg'd,
Whose troublesome conscience has long been discharg'd,
To doctrines restrictive can never agree,
But would have, like his own, ev'ry conscience go free:
And 'tis just -- for tho' with it the mind be more right,
Unincumber'd with conscience, the action's more light;
The hands more alert, or with Bludgeon or Spell,
May insinuate the Doctrines of FRANCE in PALL-MALL.
SIMKIN.
[in margin] World March 2. 1790.
WHERE might not be the good Horse that might tire, when the road was intolerable?-
But such a horse is not SIMKIN -- he keeps on, when other animals cannot get forward.
SIMKIN to SIMON.
Dear SIMON, it needs must afflict you to know
That the MANAGERS' Box is deserted by JOE;
But, by way of affording you some consolation,
'Tis suppos'd that he means to compose an oration,
To deliver in person, not many months hence,
In the HOUSE of St. STEPHEN, in WARREN'S Defence-
And to prove that the Party by BURKE was misled-
He will contradict all that he formerly said.
He'll affirm the DEFENDANT'S of virtue a pattern,
And the BEGUM of OUDE a detestable slattern;
For on this side or that JOSEPH enters the list,
And partners are chang'd, like a rubber of whist.
But now your attention once more I recall,
To the MANAGERS Battles in WESTMINSTER-HALL-
PLUMBOSO, alas! indescribably dull,
On Tuesday said nothing for SIMKIN to cull,