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[Page 34]
The House was warm'd with constant fire,
And all things done to his desire;
Then EDMUND begg'd his Rev'rend Master,
T'instruct him in his Holy Shaster ‡.
No sooner does the Scholar ask,
Then GOONISHAM begins the task.
Without a Book he glibly reads
Four of his own-invented Bedes ⁋;
Ordaining Ceremonies faster
Than Mahomed, or Zoroaster ❘❘.
As far as BURKE could comprehend
The broken English of his friend,
He thought the doctrine vastly fine,
Angelic, heavenly, and divine:
And lest the fragment should be miss'd,
He got a learned Man t'assist,-
-'Twas JONES, the Orientalist.
You've read the Story of the Pigeon,
That brought Mahomed his Religion;
Just so this sable, humming Bird,
From Ram** to EDMUND brought the word:
The two Disciples now prepare
A Shaster with uncommon care;
Which BURKE keeps ready to produce;
As often as it is of use.
But now the Ship departeth hence,
And BURKE by way of Recompence;
At parting made a long Oration.
For this said Joiner's Revelation:
Bound for BENGAL, the Renegade
On board the Ship resumed his trade;
So to CALCUTTA made his way,
(Not daring to approach BOMBAY:)
There known too well, he laid aside
The name of DOSS, the BRAMIN'S pride.
To return to the HALL, BURKE proceeded to show,
That all the Low Courts were too vulgar and low;
That their practice was pitiful, paltry, and mean,
Not fit to be followed, scarce fit to be seen.
That this high TRIBUNAL should constantly act.
By general opinion, not matter of fact.
Here EDMUND was making a monstrous ado,
About some bloody Letter, and †† Cantabab Book;
When CAMDEN observ'd, that the Leaders had try'd
To shove themselves in upon ev'ry side.
But tho' they had fail'd, yet the COURT did not venture
To say there was no place at which they might enter;
One conclusion, however, he wish'd them to draw,-
If they enter, it must be, according to LAW.
He therefore, requested them, now to decide,
How many more apertures were to be try'd;
But the LEADERS perceiv'd his intent was to fix,
And, perhaps, guard against their old Harlequin tricks;
So requested the COURT wou'd excuse them from saying
What Cards they now hold, and keep ready for playing.
Then CHARLEY, with argument subtle, contended,
The First Period of Now, must be perfectly ended;
That Himself and the MANAGERS hop'd and expected,
In Period the Second, they'll not be rejected.
He ended-their LORDSHIPS adjourn'd to decide -
If the Hole they attempt, be now open and wide. -
As CHARLEY thus play'd his diversify'd Game,
It put me in mind of that Beast of his name;
Whose Paws are so noted for stealing and picking,
Who one Night carry'd off my old Hen and her Chicken.
My Guns and my House-dogs, my Bolts and my Locks,
Were too weak to resist the attempts of that Fox.
And into the Mansion, I'll venture a bet,
By Hook or by Crook that this Biped will get.
This day by an accurate Measure 'twas found,
The MANAGERS gain'd not an inch of new ground:
And PROVIDENCE seems in no hurry to bless
Their pious attempts with expected success,
Notwithstanding the Pray'rs of that brave Devil-fighter,
Who I yesterday told you, was storming a MITRE.
Adieu - if next Wednesday sends food for my pen,
Be assur'd, my lov'd SIMON, I'll write you again.
‡ Hindoo Bible.
⁋ Four Books of Hindoo Scripture, or Four Gospels.
❘❘ Zoroaster, the Persian Moses.
** Ram, a Hindoo Dewlah
†† Mr. Burke's method of pronouncing it.
World May 30. 1789.
To the CONDUCTOR of the WORLD.
SIR,
As these Letters have not been unfavourably noticed by the Public, I beg leave to announce, through the Channel of your admired Paper, that, in order to prevent incorrect Editions from getting abroad, I shall revise, collect, and publish them all, under my own Inspection.
More will you never know of me, than
SIMKIN.
On our Part, WE can only say, that publish them when he pleases, they form, and will ever do
so, the pleasantest Effort of English Poetry.
SIMKIN to his Dear Brother SIMON, in WALES.
LAST WEDNESDAY, DEAR BROTHER, the Westminster COURT
Was expected to furnish much matter of Sport;
And as* MARY and LUCY had never gone thither,
We borrow'd a Coach, and proceeded together.
Not all the fine Words of those eloquent Sparks,
Not the still finer Documents read by the CLERKS,
Were half so diverting as LUCY'S Remarks:-
She said, "that the LEADER, the Captain Impeacher,
Resembled her Aunt's Methodistical Teacher;
She was pleas'd to the Life with his Praying and Canting,
And offended as much by his Raving and Ranting:
She thought that so much of the Irishman's Howl,
Made the Stream of his Eloquence muddy and foul.
Her Anxiety now, the dear Creature expresses,
For the wear of the Bayes and the Manager's Dresses,-
Who might, if they had oeconomical Sense,
In Monmouth-Street change them at little Expense."
I took down what she said, and I mean to produce ye
A Letter or two of the Sayings of LUCY;
And if that's not enough, I hereafter may spare ye
A Chapter or two of the Sayings of MARY:
And if at next Meeting, BURKE'S passably sane,
I mean to take with me ELIZA and JANE;
For the Girls on the Mountains of Taffyland bred,
Have Ideas as strange as can enter a Head.
The Remarks of these Girls were so new and amusing,
That I lost a great Portion of EDMUND accusing;
Howe'er, to continue my narrative Plan,
I'll report all that happened as well as I can:-
When the CHANCELLOR said, that the LORDS had agreed
That NUNCOMAR'S Charge was improper to read,
Poor EDMUND appear'd to be sadly confounded,
Not knowing on what this Dicision was grounded:
He said, "PECULATION, however notorious,
Would now be triumphantly great and uprorious,
And HASTINGS, he fear'd, wou'd at last be victorious.
He said, that this look'd like a Holy Contrivance
Of Canonical Men, for the sake of Connivance -
My LORDS, I do say, a Nabob's Peculation
Is wrap'd up as close as a PRIEST'S Fornication:
If a Parson that damnable Crime should commit,
The Judges who try'd him were bound to acquit,
According to Ecclesiastical Law -
Unless 'twas an Act thirty-two People saw;
And to guard against Falsehood and slanderous Lies,
They must see the Fact openly done with their Eyes:
But to prove that a BISHOP convers'd with a Miss,
Requir'd forty Witnesses added to this."
An agreeable Doctrine to Prelates and Graces,
Whose Feelings appear'd in their risible Faces;
And the Ladies, by Symphathy, seem'd to discover
The advantage of having a Spiritual Lover.
Now I'm sadly afraid that Wives, Widows, and Misses,
Will confine to the CHURCH all their favours and kisses;
And should to this Plan every Girl but accede,
The Benefit of Clergy were envy'd indeed!
Here EDMUND a Letter proceeded to quote,
Which he strongly suspects the Old Dancing Girl wrote;
*Two most agreeable young Ladies from WALES, distinguished by the pleasant and endearing appellation of Welsh Cousins.